Chronicles of the Babb
by PissedOffEskimo
Summary: This is a collection of humor ficlettes inspired by babbchronicles a livejournal community. Some are het, some are slash, some don't know what they are, but they all try thier best to make you laugh.
1. Visuals

**T**itle: Visuals

**A**uthor: PissedoffEskimo

**P**airing: HP/GW; HP/some random fifth-year

**R**ated: R

**W**arning: mild-het, slash, mentions of blow jobs and masturbation, and...:sigh: a moderately happy ending (hangs head in shame)

**D**isclaimer: The characters found within are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, the sentence which inspired it can be found on livejournal, in the babbchroniclesdated 3-4-2005, the happy ending, however, is being chalked up to momentary insanity. Enjoy it while it lasts.

**S**ummary: "_Harry looked at her funny, and then leaned in and kissed her squire on the lips."_

**A**uthor's **N**ote: So, I read live journal (that's right, don't judge) and I especially love the read McTabby's Summary Executions and recently babbchronicles, which takes Summary Executions one step further and gives us a look at what's inside the fic. Sometimes, it might not be the entire fic that is so horrible, but one single word that changes the entire meaning of a sentence. One such example inspired this ficlet.

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_**Gay** (gay) adj. (gayer, gayest) 1. light-hearted and cheerful, happy and full of fun. 2. bright colored, dressed or decorated in bright colors_

Harry had a problem. He was gay. That in itself wasn't what was wrong, it just started to get complicated when he factored in the fact that he had a girlfriend. No, that wasn't even the real problem. The real problem was that said girlfriend was Ginny Weasley and that, like her mother, she had a bit of a temper. That and she sometimes wasn't the brightest of the Weasleys. Like, just last month - he had been sitting in front of the fire in the commons room, talking to Seamus about blow-jobs when Ginny had over heard them and asked what a blow-job was. After several attempts at explaining it, he'd finally given in and demonstrated what he'd meant on Seamus. It seemed that sometimes with Ginny, visual was the only thing she understood.

Of course, that particular incident was the one that had made him start thinking that perhaps he might be gay. It hadn't been passionate; in fact, it had been rather clinical (Ginny had been watching and he'd kept having to stop what he was doing to explain things) but afterwards, he'd gotten to thinking about it and then he'd gotten to masturbating about it and the more he thought and masturbated, the more he realized he'd never once spent this much time on anything he and Ginny had done. After three weeks agonizing over 'might be,' he'd decided to do some experimenting.

Ron had been the first person to come to mind, but Ron was like a brother and anything they did would probably just remind him of Ginny. Eventually, he'd gone with Seamus. Mostly because he'd already put the boy's cock in his mouth, so his tongue probably couldn't hurt anything. Kissing had quickly led to groping, which led to heavier kissing, which led to more blow-jobs, and Seamus putting a finger somewhere Harry hadn't ever thought to put one before, but had liked very much. Overall, it was a successful experiment, one that decided once and for all that he was indeed gay. Now, however, he had to tell Ginny.

He'd thought to tell her on a Saturday morning, that way if she turned out to be as emotional about the whole thing, as he'd seen other girls do, then she'd have the rest of weekend to get herself together. Despite his resolve, however, he did think that perhaps today wasn't the best day he could have chosen. Dumbledore had recently decided that the students needed a distraction from the war; something fun, something that wasn't likely to remind them that Voldemort was breathing down the necks of half their families, something... muggle. In a stroke of what Harry was sure the old man thought was brilliance, he'd planned a muggle Renaissance fair to promote goodwill and understanding towards muggles. Not that Harry had anything against muggles, but he did have it out for anything that gave Ginny Weasley a sword on the day he'd promised himself he'd break up with her.

Looking across the fair ground he spotting Ginny trudging toward him in her armor, a scrawny fifth-year dragging her sword with him. A cute, scrawny fifth-year, actually, dragging a very large, heavy looking sword that he knew for a fact Ginny could use. Damn.

Before he could duck out of sight, however, she'd spotted him. "Harry, over here!"

He sighed to himself. Well, now or never. Walking up to meet her, he gave her an awkward hug over the thickly plated armor and stepped back, just out of arms reach. Looking at the squire, he saw the boy staring back at him with adoring eyes. Oh, just great, another Boy-Who-Lived worshiper.

"Um, Ginny, can we talk alone?"

She looked up from the buckle she'd been tightening and shrugged. "Anything you have to say you can say in front of my..." she looked sideways at the boy for a moment, "...squire." She chuckled. "Besides, he has my sword and I'm competing in only ten minutes. You know, I beginning to think my father has gone too far on this one. Not only does he insist his only daughter compete in a muggle sword fighting contest, but he also insists I wear a full suit of armor. It's hardly necessary, the swords are charmed not to do damage and none of the other girls are wearing armor. It's embarrassing, it's completely unflattering, it's..."

"Ginny!" Harry bit his lip. He hated to snap at her, but when Ginny got started on something, it was very difficult to see the end in sight and if he were going to do this, it would have to be now. "I think we should break up, because... I'm gay."

She gaped for a moment, then her cheeks began to turn pink and Harry took a step back, wondering if the armor would slow her down enough for him to get away. "You're happy? You're breaking up with me because you're happy!"

Oh, for the love of...! He looked at her funny, and then leaned in and kissed her squire on the lips.

Ginny's mouth hung open in shock. "Harry!"

He held up a finger and made a funny little moaning noise that she couldn't rightly remember him ever having made when they'd kissed and... was that tongue! "Harry?"

When he finally pulled away, the poor squire seemed to have gone into shock. Harry looked at her purposefully. "In the muggle world, gay is a term used to define a man who prefers his own gender. I like men, Ginny."

"You could have just told me that instead of... of... molesting my squire! Look at him, Harry, he can't even stand straight. How is he supposed to carry my sword onto the field for me now?"

Harry looked exasperated, as if the answer was quite obvious. "Remember fourth year?"

"Of course."

"Remember how I made a comment about tossing off and you followed me around for five days until I gave up trying to explain it and just showed you what I meant?"

"Harry, I was just trying to get you naked! I have six older bothers, I'd have to be a bit daft not to know what tossing off meant. I thought you'd figured that out by now."

Harry looked down. "Oh... oh! Well, that explains a lot."

She nodded. "Yes."

He looked up suddenly. "The blow-job?"

She nodded again. "Yes, 'fraid so."

"You knew then?"

"Suspected."

He bit his lip and turned his attention to the still stunned fifth year, hunched over, trying to hide his very obvious problem. "Ginny, mind if I borrow your squire?"

She glanced at him and sighed. "Oh, go on then." She cast a lightening charm on her sword as she watched them walk off. Damn, she'd have to find another squire.

_**the end**_


	2. Legendary Character

**T**itle: Legendary Character

**A**uthor: PissedOffEskimo

**P**airing: LE/just about everyone; RL/SB

**R**ated: NC17 (for naughty, naughty language)

**W**arning: Mentions of underage sex and... het. (I'm sorry)

**D**isclaimer: I stole the characters from JK Rowling and the plot from some unsuspecting author who got posted on babbchronicles. I own nothing except the funny. Me and the funny are like _this_.

**S**ummary: Spawned from this summary: _Lily Evans is the top student and a legendary character at Hogwarts. All this is a facade and pretense, and no one knows it, except her frenz. James and the other Maruders come in as SMART transfer students. Lily fears for her reputation_

**A**uthor's **N**ote: I felt really bad for leaving off babbchronicles last night. I mean, I know I had a fever and the terrible urge to sick up, but that was no reason to slack from my duty (and one of the few things I look forward to every week). So, I have done a ficlet. Behold, my ficlet of funny!

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_A Pissed Off Eskimo Present:_  
**Legendary Character**

Lilly Evans was the top student and something of a legendary character at Hogwarts. Of course, it was all a lie... well, sort of. She did make top marks, but only because she'd been trading sexual favors for test grades since first year and she was a legend, if only behind closed doors. The problem was, she liked being the top student. It gave her a feeling of accomplishment and she wouldn't give that up for anything. Not even if it meant doing anal with Flitwick (although, it hadn't come to that just yet).

Of course, the sexual favors weren't the problem either. She'd always been a bit of a slut, ever since she found her dad's porn collection at eight. No, the problem was that there were four new students and they were smart. Smart with a capital S.M.R.T... she paused in her thoughts and then leaned over to grab the dusty dictionary from under her bedside table. The spine cracked as she thumbed through it. Ah, there it was, she shut it, sliding it back into place and went on thinking. Smart, with a capital S.M._A_.R.T.

Yes, especially that James Potter and Sirius Black. Remus Lupin seemed awfully sickly and he'd already missed several days, so she wasn't all that concerned about him and Peter Pettigrew was hardly what she would call a brainiac. If it weren't for Potter and Black he'd probably never pass anything. However, Potter and Black were a problem that would have to be dealt with. But, how to deal with them?

She could hex them. They were always pranking others and she was sure that Dumbledore would probably believe her if she simply said she was getting even, if not, well, there were other ways to make the old man see reason. Of course, that would mar her otherwise spotless record. So, then, that was out.

She could sick Snape on them. He was always whining about how mean they were to him and if she gave him the right tools for the job, he'd probably do it just for the hell of it. Besides, he did have a bit of a crush on her. He was always watched her during class and at lunch and during Quidditch games and in the corridors between classes and... she shuddered. On second thought, it might be best not to involve the creepy Slytherin if she could help it. Maybe as a last resort.

Hm, what else could she do? Flitwick said she was good with Charms, but then he usually said that when she was on her knees with his small cock in her mouth, so that wasn't very reliable. McGonnagal was very flattering and she wasn't likely to lie just because she was in the throws of orgasm, but Lily didn't feel like publicly testing her knowledge of Transfigurations. So, what was a teenage slut with almost no talent that didn't involve her mouth, supposed to do to deter three teenage boys from school?

With a sigh, she threw herself on her bed and her shoulder brushed the unfinished Potion's assignment. Oh, bother, she might as well take this downstairs and pretend to be working hard. She'd have to turn in something to Professor Slughorn, no matter how much tripe it was. As she gathered her things, she took a moment to reflect on how glad she truly was that her Potion's Professor could be bought out with candied fruits. Liking sex was one thing. Liking sex with Slughorn was something entirely different.

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Later than evening, as Lily jotted down her best guess on her Runes work, the new boys came down. She'd known that they would eventually have to meet formally, but she hadn't wanted it to be while she was doing her worst subject. Couldn't it have been Charms? She always at least sounded like she knew what she was doing in Charms. Potter sat in one of the chairs by the fire and Black sat next to him. Lupin, still looking sickly from his absence only three days ago, sat on the sofa behind her with a languorous sigh and let his head sink into the pillows. Pettigrew sat on the floor between them, looking like the perfect lapdog. She half-glanced at him. He was kind of cute, she supposed, but if it could be helped, she'd much rather not.

Lupin was the closest to her, practically at her shoulder and she tried to shift so that he wouldn't see what she was doing. "Is that Runes, Evans?"

She blushed, but kept her head down, "What do you care, you're not taking it."

"No, but I do know that there's no such Rune as 'fellatio.'"

Damn, maybe she would have to worry about Lupin, after all. "Mind your own business, Lupin, and I'll mind mine."

Black scoffed and stood up from his chair to see what she was doing, but before she could roll it up, he'd snatched the parchment out from under her. "My god, Evans, this is complete and utter tripe! You can't possibly mean to turn this in."

She looked around, thankful that it was late and the common room was empty except for the five of them. "And what if I am?"

Black handed the paper to Potter, whose eyebrows arched into his hairline and he scanned it. "Sirius is right. For once. You're really going to turn this in?" She forced her chin up higher, refusing to look cowed by them. Perhaps they would simply assume that she knew something they didn't. "Is it a joke?" Heat slowly made its way into her cheeks and no matter how hard she tried to look dignified, there was no denying that she was blushing.

Potter passed it to Pettigrew, who looked very confused by it, but, if the knit of his eyebrows were anything to go by, not for the same reason the others were. "I don't see what's wrong with it."

Black scoffed and snatched it back. "That's because you can't tell your ass end from your head, _Wormtail_."

The smaller boy cringed at the nick name, but he didn't appear hurt, just worried. Potter chuckled, "Leave it, Sirius."

Black shrugged and turned his attention back to Lily, who had finally given up trying to pretend that it didn't matter and had stood up in an effort to retrieve her assignment. "Give it back, Black, or I'll turn you in for pestering me."

But Black ignored her entirely, "What I want to know is how come you're the top student in Hogwarts if this is the kind of thing you turn in." He emphasized his words by shaking the delicate parchment at her.

With a sigh, she crossed her arms over her chest and... wait a minute. She watched him carefully and realized that his eyes weren't focused on her at all, but on her breasts! He was more interested in those than he was in what he was saying, she was sure of it. Come to that, so were Potter and Pettigrew, who were staring at her bosom through her tight shirt. Damn her mother for not packing her a size larger, but then she couldn't have known her daughter would blossom from a meek A cup to a full C in only five months.

Wait a minute again. She dropped her arms and they bounced slightly as they fell into place in her bra. Black's eyes followed the minute movements. Of course, why hadn't she thought of it before? Sex. Boys always think about sex before anything else. If she could get their attention focused solely on her, then she could keep them from paying attention in class. Homework was another matter, she'd have to find something to keep them occupied in their spare time so they wouldn't want to do it... and just like that, she knew what to do. It was brilliant, which was saying a lot, because Lily Evan rarely did anything that could be considered brilliant and even she knew it.

"I... it's a lie. Everything. I'm not really the top student."

Potter looked up a little, giving her eye contact for the first time since the whole nasty affair started. He really had pretty eyes. "A lie? But I've seen the charts on the walls. You couldn't possible have forged those, the teachers put them out and they're untamperable. We know, we've tried."

Black chuckled, looking back at his friend, "Remember last month when we tried to move Snivellus's name to the bottom of the Potion's roster after a test?"

"That would have been bloody hilarious if we'd managed it."

Lily frowned at the sudden loss of attention. This wouldn't do at all. If she were going to risk it all like this, she'd have to do better. "It's so hot in here." She undid the top two buttons of her shirt, showing just the barest hint of her white bra, and all eyes were suddenly back on her. All except Lupin, who was looking incredibly bored by the whole situation. Interesting.

Black stuttered a little as he tried to remember what they had been talking about. "Wait, so... what were we... oh, yeah, how could it possibly be a lie?"

Potter watched her expectantly. Well, watched her breasts expectantly, but that was what she was after, so she could hardly complain. "I didn't have to tamper with anything. The teacher's put me at the top of the charts because... I sleep my way there." Pettigrew looked like he'd wet himself. "That's right, I sleep my way to the top of the charts."

Potter's mouth worked, but nothing came out, Black's eyes had nearly crossed, because she'd taken a large breath to steel herself for it and her breasts had risen; that coupled with her announcement had apparently sent him into shock. Lupin, however, didn't have the same problem. He seemed skeptical, "What, with the teachers?"

"No, the house ghosts. Of course, with the teachers."

"But that's... I mean, you're only sixteen, you've been the top student at Hogwarts since first year."

Lily shrugged, "And?" Really, what was wrong with this boy? She had just announced that she'd slept with the entire faculty of the school and he was curious about logistics?

"You would have been, what, eleven? You can't tell me every teacher in the school was willing to give in to you're sexual demands when you were that young."

With a dramatic sigh, she put her hands behind her back, spinning around to face the boy on the sofa. "Oh, Professor Flitwick, I just feel like I can't do anything right. I try so hard." She stepped closer, bowing her head, "I just don't think I belong here. None of the other girls like me. I don't think I like me. What am I going to do, Professor? I don't want to go home, but if no one likes me..."

Potter raised an eyebrow from the chair, where he had been leaning heavily to the right to try and keep his eyes on Lily's breasts while she leaned over Lupin. Lupin, meanwhile, did not seem incredibly impressed. What would it take to get to this boy? "I hardly think that would work on every professor in the school."

"No, of course not." She stood up straight. "Some of them didn't even need an excuse. A bunch of adults locked in a castle nearly ten months out of the year, they'd jump anything that showed the slightest interest."

Black gave up trying to look up her skirt and came around the side of the couch, sitting on the arm rest beside Lupin's head. "So, you're telling us you've slept with every professor in Hogwarts so they'd put your name top of the list. Why?"

How infuriating! Of course, he was staring at her chest again and his attention obviously wasn't in it. Maybe he was just trying to make her sigh again. "I don't know! What can I say? I like being on top."

Peter gave a squeak from his position on the floor and Lily was struck by how much he sounded like the rats that used to live in her basement at home. Odd. It was quite obvious Potter and Black were hooked. They swayed this and way and that with her movements and would most likely jump her at her first inclination. Lupin, however, needed a bit more pushing.

Flopping herself on the couch at his feet and leaning over to tuck her chin between his knees, she batted her eyes imploringly. "It's just that... well, I'm a slut, it's not like I can help it. I just live for cock. Every time I see a man it's all I can do not to get on my knees and just suck him down the back of my throat. God, I want a cock in every whole and one in each hand. I want to be fucked with two cocks at once. I want everything I've seen in all those nasty pornographic polaroids that dad think he hides so well. I want..."

Lupin wrinkled his nose, "What's a 'polaroid'?"

Black smacked Lupin upside the head, "Shut up, Moony, and let the woman talk."

Lily pouted her best pretty pout and looked at Lupin with large eyes, "It's just no use. I try not to, but every time the teachers approach me after class I just can't help myself. It's like I can't get enough and even with seven of them," Potter shifted uncomfortably in his chair, "coming at me every few days, it's just not enough. I need more than one at a time and I'm so afraid that they'll be mad at me if I tell them I've been sleeping with... well, all of them. I don't know what to do."

James got up from his chair and sat on the arm at the other end of the sofa and Lily sat up, looking at him beseechingly. "Maybe we could help."

Lily let half of her smile through and bit her lip, "Really?"

"Of course, we're the Maruders..."

Sirius interrupted, "Marauders, moron."

"Right, we're the marauders and we can help with anything."

Her joy at the realization that her scheme had worked was cut short by Lupin, "You're both idiots. I going to go study."

He stood up and she shot from the sofa, "You can't!"

_Oops_. Lupin looked back at her with a raised eyebrow. "Really? And why not?"

_Think, woman, think! You got yourself into this situation._ "I want three at least."

Peter perked up, "Well, I'm here."

She rolled her eyes, "Not you." The poor boy practically deflated into the floor. Maybe she'd consider making it up to him later. "I want Lupin. He's tall and... handsome... and..." _think_! "well hung."

Black nearly fell out off the sofa, "How the hell do you know that!"

How indeed? It was bloody well obvious when the boy refused to wear anything other than threadbare clothes. Everything he owned fell against his legs in that drapery style and it hadn't taken her long at all to notice that he was absolutely _packing_.

Lupin, however, did not give her time to explain this. "Listen, I know what you're trying to do and by all means go for it. If they can't figure it out for themselves, they deserve everything they get, but I'm gay and I'm not interested."

"You're gay?"

"You're gay!" The echo had come from Sirius, who was now looking at his friend as if he'd grown another head. "What do you mean, you're gay?"

Lupin's attention quickly turned to Sirius and Lily got the sinking feeling that her entire plan was about to go to waste. "It means I like blockes, Sirius. It means I stare at them in the shower, when I go to take a piss, and when we change in the dormroom at night. It means I fantasize about them on a regular basis and it means that if you had half a brain in that pretty head of yours, you'd've gotten laid long before now."

He stormed up the stairs to the room and with a dazed expression, Sirius watched him and then turned to his friends, not even looking at Lily. "I'll just... go to bed." And he left.

Lily sat on the couch, and James slid down next to her. "So, what do you say, you and me?"

She crossed her arms over her half exposed chest, "I don't get it. I was so close, what did I do wrong?"

James put an arm around her and she turned to him, all traces of her seduction gone. Taken aback by her sudden change in attitude, he pulled back, "What?"

"It's just... I tried so hard, I had him in the palm of my hand, and one hint that his friend is gay and Black runs off after Lupin like a panting lap dog. "

James scratched the back of his neck, "Well, it wasn't so much of a hint as a blatantly guarantee of sex, but..."

"You men are so fickle! Why can't you just lust after one person at a time?"

"What are you on about?"

Scooting away from him, she uncrossed her arms, ignoring the way his eyes focused immediately on her chest. "Oh, you boys are so dense! I was trying to get you in bed, so you'd be so busy having sex you couldn't study."

James stared at her, perplexed, "Really? You'd do that just to keep you're grades up?"

With a half-sob, she put her feet on the coffee table, knocking her book to the floor and stared at her bare knees in frustration. "I just try so hard and... god, I hate boys!"

"Well, you know..." She turned sharply to him and he hesitated a moment before continuing, "it hasn't been an entire waste. Sirius and Remus are going to be so busy with each other I bet anything they're grades slip and you could still... I mean, I wouldn't mind being distracted."

Lily felt the weight lift from her shoulders. He was right. It wasn't a waste. Two down, one to go and that one was sitting right next to her with a sizable bulge in his trousers that said he was perfectly willing for whatever she wanted. "You mean that? You'd do that for me?"

He nodded slowly and she grinned, leaning over and pressing a kiss to his cheek, as she hooked his arm and pulled him up. "I know a room."

As they ran through the entrance portrait, Peter, who had been all but forgotten on the floor, distinctly heard James say, "You know, you should have been in Slytherin."

_-finis-_


End file.
